Sunday, 8 April 2012

Why He Disappeared

Have you ever wondered why do men disappear? Why he disappeared on you?  Without explanation! Its happened to most of us at some point! 

You met this guy and your stomach did somersaults. He made your heart melt. You started to imagine a future with him and you talked about him to your friends with a smile on your face. You hung on to his every word, every text message and every phone call. You had the butterflies in your stomach and you were starting to fall for him. You could fall in love with him. You spent happy times together. He was affectionate with you. He told you that your were great. You didn't need to ask "Is he interested in me?", as he showed you that he was. This man wasn't going to disappear. You wouldn't be sat here asking yourself why he disappeared. There were no mixed signals and you couldn't have been happier!

Then it happened. You noticed he was being different. Little things you couldn't quite put your finger on. You started to get those mixed signals. He started to become distant and cold. When you asked what was wrong and he said nothing. He stopped answering your texts and calls.Your worst fear had happened and you had no idea why he disappeared. He stopped calling and texting you. The mixed signals went and you had silence instead. You sat there not knowing where he went. You had no idea why he had disappeared.  Where did he go? Why did he disappear?

He's Just Not That Into You

He's just not that into you can be one of the reasons why he may have disappeared.  This is a hard reason for many women to accept. Accepting that hes just not that into you is hard not to take personally! If he's just not that into you, we start to look at ourself and over analyse what it was that he didn't like.  When we start to get the mixed signals, that's time to look at what is going on!

Dating is a process of getting to know what we want in a man. When we start dating a particular man, we are discovering if this man has what we want. We are not yet anywhere near being in a relationship. Have you ever been in the situation when you have been dating a man and some things come up and you think "He's not the man for me?". Well it's the same for men. They are getting to know us and if we have what they are looking for.

Each and every one of us has our own list of "deal-breakers". This is what we don't want or would be prepared to compromise on. An example of this for me would be a man who has been aggressive towards me. This is one of my relationship deal-breakers and could not be compromised on.

A man will have his own list. This dosen't mean that you did something wrong. It could just mean that you weren't the one for him. You weren't compatible with him. We are not compatible with everyone, so why does this become a big deal for women sometimes? Why is it hard to accept that he's just not that into you? If we have no answers, we sometimes as women start to search for reasons why .  Often we will come to our own conclusions. I used to wish i had a crystal ball so i could see how a man's mind worked! You don't need one, you just need to understand their actions and behaviour.  The signals are there, you need to learn to read them.  Mixed signals are telling you that you need to pay attention. 

Disappearing Men

Women are emotional creatures. That's what we are and men love us for it. However we can invest too much too soon on an emotional level, when we start to date a man exclusively. Nothing makes a man disappear like the perception that we might be dragging him up the aisle in a few weeks!  Disappearing men are sometimes the result of us trying to move them into a relationship when they aren't ready.

Men are reacting to your behaviour and messages. If you are giving the impression that you are head over heels and they aren't feeling the same way, he's going to be reaching for his running shoes. Men don't like to be pulled somewhere they aren't ready to be. He needs to get there at his own pace without any pressure!  If you don't want disappearing men, then pull back a little!

Take it easy. Take it slowly. Be you. He chose you to get to know YOU. Don't give too much of yourself too soon.  Dating is a journey not a race!  Slow your pace down and enjoy the scenery. Give yourselves time to get to know and enjoy each other. There is no time limit here. There is no agenda at the moment except for getting to know each other and enjoying it! By not investing too much emotion too soon, you will reduce the risk of him disappearing before he gets to know you. You will be less likely to be discussing and analysing the topic of disappearing men with your girlfriends! You will be less likely to be sat there wondering 
where did he go?

Understanding Men

Houdini Syndrome

Now there's a million dollar question!  How do you work at understanding men?  How do we reduce the risk of "Houdini Syndrome"? Where he disappears suddenly, leaving you rejected and looking for answers to his disappearance?

Understanding men isn't difficult.  It is well known fact that men and women think differently! We just do. Women tend to try to interpret men's behaviour from a woman's perspective. Big mistake! An example of this would be when a man say's he is tired, chances are he's tired!  

But what do we do as women? Oh he's tired? Hmmmm he's being quiet! He must be mad at me. What did i do? I will ask him what i did. I know something is wrong. So you ask him. He's getting cross with you because he's tired! Now he views you as nagging at him and not listening to what he is trying to tell you. Guess what? Oh yes hes going to disappear! Right back into his man cave! Believe you me, getting him out of there is going to be a whole lot harder than it would have been to accept what he was originally saying at face value. He was tired! Your own over analysing can turn this into something that it didn't need to be. Sometimes when a man says there's nothing wrong, there just isn't!  Understanding men means you have to understand how they think and react to situations, which will be completely different from women

Men and women are different. We don't think alike. We don't interpret things the same. We as women often look behind what a man is saying to find a reason for something else. This something else often comes from ourselves and our experience in past relationships. If you want a head start  understanding men, just listen to what they are saying. We often make men out to be a lot more complicated than they actually are!

If you want to reduce the risk of him disappearing in the early stages, then take a step back. Don't over analyse everything. Your instincts will tell you if something is not right. If something isn't right for you, then you need to ask "Is this the man for me?" This is different to our insecurities that we can have in dating, where we are unsure of where we stand. Asking a man in the early stages where you stand will probably send him running for the hills! Don't be his girlfriend too soon, wait for that stage to develop naturally. Don't turn up the pressure valve and force him into making a decision before he is ready to! Don't back him into a corner, part of understanding men is to match his pace.

Don't sabotage what could become a great relationship in the future!

What Men Want

What men want are the same things we do. They want to be in a meaningful relationship with love and appreciation. What men want is to find the right woman for them. They want that woman with the amazing qualities that they will love and adore her for. They are looking for that woman that will make them want to leave the dating scene and settle down. Many women will say that men have a fear of commitment. This isn't true for most men on the dating scene. If you are the right woman he will have no problem committing to you!

The journey towards a relationship is different for men and women. Men and women can attach emotionally at different points along the journey. When he attaches to you emotionally there will be no mistaking it! Dating is about finding out what we want. Its a great experience to help us find the man that is perfect for us, not the perfect man. There is no such thing as the perfect man or indeed the perfect woman!

What To Do If He Disappeared

If you were dating a man that disapeared, what can you do? Well not chasing him is a good starting point. Leave out all the texting and calling. That will be perceived by him as pressure. If he wants to come back, let him do that in his own time. If he does then you can decide if that is what you want. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come back.

He may have disappeared because that's what would have happened anyway. Men can disappear after sex. That's a hard one for women to understand as we often connect on an emotional level when we have sex with a man. Some women believe that if they have sex with a man that he will stay. You couldn't be more wrong and that's a very unhealthy viewpoint to have. Men often will want sex but not want a relationship. They may be honest about this or they may not. The decision when you have sex with a man is your choice. If you are thinking that sex will make him stay, you are in for a lot of heartbreak that could be avoided. Don't come out with the phrase "I never normally do this" the morning after either . Men aren't stupid. They know that you wanted to sleep with them. If it dosen't work out and he disappears after sex, that should be one of your considerations before taking it to that level. There are no guarantees that he will stay but if he has emotionally attached to you, the chances of him not disappearing are greater.

If he disappears, learn what you can from the experience and move on. Learn more about what made him disappear and be that woman men will adore!

© Katherine Wakefield 2012